Guilt.

I was once told I needed to make a list of everything that I thought was my fault.
I'm going to take that idea and listing everything that I felt guilty for, small and big.

I feel guilty:
For every time I hurt myself.
For not being strong enough to take of myself and needing others to care for me.
For every time I wasn't there when I was needed.
For being a burden on my mother.
For being the outcast of my family.
For being depressed.
For not being normal.
For wanting to die.
For what happened to me when I was a child and for not stopping it.
For not talking to the girl who went through it with me because I was too fucking scared to face her.
For scaring my mother with all my suicide threats as a kid.
For coming home from school with a sleeve full of cuts.
For giving up on Katie because I felt the need to destroy what we had.
For fucking up things with Rachel because I couldn't keep a secret.
For making Alexandra feel guilty after leaving.
For everything that ever happened with Emily.
For choosing Emily over my friends time and time again.
For cutting her name into my hand.
For not being more clear/assertive with Morgan.
For everything that happened with Sarah.
For making Sarah feel bad about sex.
For making Kyle and Meg feel bad for liking each other.
For asking so much of Kyle.
For every time that I was manipulative.
For all the times I pushed my friends away.
For all the times I made my friends feel guilty for doing things I don't approve of.
For not drinking and smoking.
For the time Brandon told me that I was the reason he started to become depressed.
For not making/avoiding plans with my friends in hopes that someone else will want to do something.
For what happened between me and my cousin Molly when we were younger.
For running away from everything literally and metaphorical since I was younger.
For not having my license.
For not having a job.
For my mother having financial problems.
For my mothers three divorces.
For not being able to help Alex.
For being afraid.
For being agoraphobic.
For leaving Cailie behind with Alex.
For hurting Cailie.
For hurting my friends.
For not being there for the other 9 people who had similar pasts as mine.
For not attempting to stay connected with Hannah.
For not being able to let things go.
For missing Emily when I know I shouldn't.
For not trying hard enough in school.
For giving up on college.
For having dreams that aren't fruitful.
For being a burden.
For being a terrible friend.
For not being perfect.
For consistently loving to easily too much.
For always thinking everything is my fault.
For not being able to stick to a decision once I've made it.
For my bio-father not wanting me.
For not being the son that my dad wants me to be.
For being this messed up.
For carrying all of this with me.
And for asking you to deal with it.

That's everything off of the top of my head.
I just wish I could learn to move on and stop feeling this guilty all the time.