I'm struggling, but I'm surviving.
And, I think that I'm actually winning.

Out There

I don't want to be positive.
I don't want to have faith.
I don't want to be the constant defender of the human race.
I don't want to believe in love.
I don't want to get hurt anymore.

I want to be guarded.
I want to be jaded.
I want to be unfeeling.
I want to be uncaring.

Most of all, I just don't want to have to go through this again.
But I will, and I will for my entire life, because all of what I don't want to be, is all of who I am.

And now i can't stop crying and all I want is to be held and loved and to not be such a fuck up.
I just wish things didn't have to be the way they are.

This house is not a home.

This house depresses me, I don't want to be here.

I'm not even sad and I'm crying my eyes out.
I think it's just because I know this is the beginning of the end.
But I know in my heart, we'll both be okay if we go our separate ways.

Guilt.

I was once told I needed to make a list of everything that I thought was my fault.
I'm going to take that idea and listing everything that I felt guilty for, small and big.

I feel guilty:
For every time I hurt myself.
For not being strong enough to take of myself and needing others to care for me.
For every time I wasn't there when I was needed.
For being a burden on my mother.
For being the outcast of my family.
For being depressed.
For not being normal.
For wanting to die.
For what happened to me when I was a child and for not stopping it.
For not talking to the girl who went through it with me because I was too fucking scared to face her.
For scaring my mother with all my suicide threats as a kid.
For coming home from school with a sleeve full of cuts.
For giving up on Katie because I felt the need to destroy what we had.
For fucking up things with Rachel because I couldn't keep a secret.
For making Alexandra feel guilty after leaving.
For everything that ever happened with Emily.
For choosing Emily over my friends time and time again.
For cutting her name into my hand.
For not being more clear/assertive with Morgan.
For everything that happened with Sarah.
For making Sarah feel bad about sex.
For making Kyle and Meg feel bad for liking each other.
For asking so much of Kyle.
For every time that I was manipulative.
For all the times I pushed my friends away.
For all the times I made my friends feel guilty for doing things I don't approve of.
For not drinking and smoking.
For the time Brandon told me that I was the reason he started to become depressed.
For not making/avoiding plans with my friends in hopes that someone else will want to do something.
For what happened between me and my cousin Molly when we were younger.
For running away from everything literally and metaphorical since I was younger.
For not having my license.
For not having a job.
For my mother having financial problems.
For my mothers three divorces.
For not being able to help Alex.
For being afraid.
For being agoraphobic.
For leaving Cailie behind with Alex.
For hurting Cailie.
For hurting my friends.
For not being there for the other 9 people who had similar pasts as mine.
For not attempting to stay connected with Hannah.
For not being able to let things go.
For missing Emily when I know I shouldn't.
For not trying hard enough in school.
For giving up on college.
For having dreams that aren't fruitful.
For being a burden.
For being a terrible friend.
For not being perfect.
For consistently loving to easily too much.
For always thinking everything is my fault.
For not being able to stick to a decision once I've made it.
For my bio-father not wanting me.
For not being the son that my dad wants me to be.
For being this messed up.
For carrying all of this with me.
And for asking you to deal with it.

That's everything off of the top of my head.
I just wish I could learn to move on and stop feeling this guilty all the time.

Perfect

I just realized something,
I have a need to be perfect in my own way.
And that's why I can't deal with screwing up.

note to self.

It's time to change Kevin.
It's time to grow up.
It's time to leave.

NyQuil

I've given up being sad.

Need to wake up early to help my mother, time to find away to fall back to sleep.

Oh and I'm actually going to set my alarms to AM instead of PM then maybe I'll actually wake up.

So lifelessly.

I am not okay.
I'm really not.
I've slept the whole day away because I couldn't deal with the guilt.
And I just hurt in every way.

I'm at the point where I just want to say goodbye to my life.
I want to push everything away and suffer alone with my thoughts as I slowly fade away.

I'm fucking depressed and I'm torturing myself.

I need someone but I'm too fucking pathetic to ask for help.
Tonight doesn't seem like its going to go very well.
My body feels like its on fire.

Reliability.

I always do this.
I always fuck up.
I always let people down.
I always do.
I feel awful.
I feel sick.
I want to die.
Why the fuck does this always happen to me.
Why the fuck do I always do this to myself.

I'm not fucking reliable at all.
I always find the worse time to let the people I love the most down.

I don't deserve life.

I hate when nights on a down note.

Runaway

If I ran away, who would come after me?

Such a dumb thing to think about.

worthless,
useless,
empty,
i am the epitome,
of nothing.

I feel like dying.

I need to get lost for awhile.
I feel weak.

I can't be the one that says goodbye.
I can't be the one to give up on someone.
There's something inside of me that won't let me be that person.
I just need to see things through

Dream

I has a dream where I could see people's self-esteem/self-worth when I looked at them.
But when I looked in the mirror, I couldn't see anything.

Pumpkin Fest

If I can find a friend who will stay sober with me, I'm going to spend my Saturday up in Keene.
It's going to make me miserable, but for some reason I desperately want to go.

Something about feeling lost in Autumn, feeling alone while with people, really resonates with me right now.

With Love and Squalor,
Kevin

Somethings immediately kill my mood.
That was one of those things.
I can't wait for dinner to end so I can be alone.

Passing Thought

I wish I was who I am today, when I was still in high school, I just feel more prepared.

I think thats what I mean.

slow.

every second seems to be lasting a decade.
this tedious work is not helping.
if i don't find a way to make the world around me seem okay.
today is not going to be my day.


I need to get home, disappear for awhile.

Stay Strong

carry on.

I'm going to be okay.

"this week is gonna swallow me, but when it spits me out, I'm landing on my feet"
The Wonder Years - Living Room Song.

"this thing we're doing, you and I, it needs to stop"

*Sigh*
Sad.

Apathy

Whatever,
I'm tired.

My Favorite Accident

I am overtired.
And hyper.
So I decided I might as well be uplifting or positive or something in a blog post, instead of the Omnipresent gloomy mood that I seem to always leave behind.

My life is a swirling non-stop increasing amount of complications.
Not necessarily in a bad way, actually in a mostly a positive way.
There's just a lot going on, maybe too much, but I don't think I would trade that for the world.
My head is my enemy as always, but I think i'll be alright.

I was worried throughout it all, naturally, that I wasn't going to make it or some nonsense like that.
But here I am, borderline insane, and genuinely happy (although i might just be mistaking this overtired state of being for happiness)
But I think when I past a certain point I end up in this good mood, that doesn't go away until I collapse.
I enjoy it, I really do.

In fact, life with it's "i'm going to be scary and all", isn't going to stop me from getting to where I want to be, even if that's only across the street for now, one step at a time right?

So screw my mind, and it's constant, i'm not good enough for you attitude.
and it's constant worrying about the world, and every god dammed person's state of being.

For at least right now, i'm not going to let it win.

Long Live Positivity.
- Kevin.

ps. i'm using this mood as an excuse (while taking full responsibility for this comment) to tell you that there's nothing more I want in the world than to lay down in bed with you for a night, just talking about everything and nothing.
if you read this, please make it happen. :)

pss. this song is making me really happy, despite it being kind of sad.
weird huh.
maybe it's Justin's voice.
everyone want to listen?
My Favorite Accident by Motion City Soundtrack.

"Pathetic"

It keeps ringing in my ears, but despite how desperately I want the conversation to leave my memory, it's not going to leave my mind until I bring it up.
But that's not something I want to even begin to attempt.
And all the guilt that comes with it.

I am pathetic.
That much is evident.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Kevin Kelley Thinks.

Kevin Kelley thinks at times that he is a pretty boy, but at other times thinks he is disgusting.

Kevin Kelly thinks at times that life is wonderful, but at other times he thinks that life is terrible.

Kevin Kelly thinks at times that he is charming, but at other times he thinks that everyone hates him.

Kevin Kelly thinks at times that he has got it all together, but at other times he knows that it's all falling apart.

Kevin Kelly thinks at times that he wants to live, but at other times he knows that he wants to die.

"I want to die" the kid whispered to his best friend. Taking a minute to collect his thoughts, his best friend solemnly replied, "I know."

Obvious Realization.

You are not mine.
I have no right to be anxious.

I expect too much.

- Kevin.

Words

I can't get out of my own way.
I constantly feel like a fuck-up.
It's pathetic that I need reassurance.

My mind isn't going to let go of me tonight.
I wish I had a quick and easy way to escape this, that wouldn't cause everyone to freak out.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Existential Angst

"I do not exist, I do not exist, only You exist, I do not exist."
mewithoutYou - In A Sweater Poorly Knit

I am just one being in the swirling interstellar globe of which billions of other organisms exist.
I am alone, yet I am a part of everything else.
All is one and one is all.

I am lost within the hurricane of life.
And I don't know how to begin to find my way out.
The universe is something I wasn't created to deal with, but I have a feeling that one day I'll be able to face it.
Or at least I hope I will.

I am forever with others, connected in ways that I don't fully understand, but I still feel alone.
Alone among the sea of people, alone with my mind and my heart.
Sailing through the hurricane of life, praying that one day I'll find someone who fills this void of loneliness in my being.

I am alone.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Inferno

"Midway on our life's journey, I found myself
In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell
About those woods is hard - so tangled and rough
And savage that thinking of it now, I feel
The old fear stirring...."

That's one of my favorite quotes.
It's the very beginning of Dante's Inferno.

Something about it has always felt so relatable, and now I understand.
Depression and Hell are interchangeable here.

In other news.
I'm having a breakdown.

My head hurts.
Like it's fucking pulsing and everything is spinning.
And I feel more alone than I have lately.
I feel closed off.
And I think I just miss being around people who love me.
I miss being around positivity.
I hate that my house has turned into hell.
I miss my friends.
I miss sleeping next to someone every night.
I miss everything.
I'm not a human built to be alone.
I'm really not.

Demons

I noticed an unused razor head that could easily be snapped apart and broken into individual razors.
Now my mind is tormenting me.

I hear a familiar fear calling out towards me.
I'm going to need help to get through tonight.

- Kevin

Fairytales

My head is filled with movie clichés and fairy tales.

I swear my idealism and endless optimism will be the death of me.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Afloat.

It seems to me like there's always something around me that acts as a failsafe. Like a life raft keeping me afloat when my ship sinks.

I wish I could get rid of everything, strip myself down to only me. Then maybe I would know who I really am.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Sarah

For all the negativity that relationship turned into near the end, I can honestly say that I never felt lonely.

Although right now I'm alone by choice, so it's on me this time.

Stellar came on so i'm assuming that's why my mind brought me back to her. I'm going to try to fall asleep now.

Goodnight.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

History

Watching John Adams has reinvigorated my love of history.

Imagine being the man who took the first shot during the Boston Massacre.
Imagine the guilt of knowing that he was a spark in his country losing hold of the American Colonies.
Imagine being alive during the Revolutionary War.

I think that's the beauty and the issue of history, everything is romanticized.
When life is happening all around us, everything seems a lot less important.
But when we look back at history, we focus on the more important events thus creating an uneven comparison between the two.
It's almost unfair to the present day.

Anyway I wish I had real internet right now, I would spend my time doing research on the past.

Maybe history is just another escape for me.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

p.s. I successfully cooked pasta, and it's pretty damn good. That is all.

Pasta.

I am attempting to cook pasta.
This should be fun.
I've never done this before.
Somebody wish me luck?

If things start exploding... well let's hope it doesn't get to that!

This has been a lighthearted post by Kevin Kelley.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Quick Notice To Friends.

Ian, that thing you texted me about, of course I do.

Cousin Kelly, I greatly appreciate the concern, it means a lot to me. I am okay, and I will continue to be okay. thanks for the offer of staying at my uncles, but I am alright with where I am right now. If anything changes I'll let you know. I love you too.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Decisions

Here I am right now, on the couch of this lovely apartment that I am currently residing in, thinking about what I need to do in order to reach a certain type of equilibrium in my life.

Alex is something that I no longer have the ability to deal with. I can't deal with his constant baiting me into arguments, or his "I know what's best for you" attitude.
True or not, I can't deal with his constant reminder that I'm hurting everyone around me with every decision that I make.

I am 19 years old.
I am not supposed to know what I want to do with my life.
But I am doing my best.
I am taking time to figure everything out.
I'm getting over old fears.
I am working on making my life better.
I am legitimately starting to be happy with my life, and that began even before Jackie reappeared.

Alex is important to me, but I realized something, I don't love who he is, I love who he used to be.
My memory of him and the times we shared is what makes me care about him.

Now, me being me, I can't bring myself to just kick him out, it's borderline impossible for me to even think about how that situation would pan out.
And that's what makes this all the more difficult for me. I can't bring myself to kick him out when he has nothing.

His court-date is in November, after that is over, his situation will be different, we'll see where we go from there.

But for now, I want as little interaction with him as possible.

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

300 Village Circle Way.

I am currently residing in an apartment, no longer restrained by the freezing cold office that I previous occupied.

Positives
- not freezing cold
- access to plethora of DVDs
- shower
- kitchen
- bed
- not as terrifyingly creepy

Negatives
- no Internet (blogging on my phone)
- more cautious about the noise
- no hot water
- smell

But overall, I'm excited to be here for now.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I'm committing myself to cleaning this apartment.
And I'm actually genuinely excited about it, it's something to do, it's cathartic to just take a day to clean.

For now though, I'm going to continue working on the same project that I was working on last night.

Hope to be done sooner than later!

Lastly!
I wanted to tell each and every one of my friends that I love them dearly,
Kyle, Xandra, Chris, Brian, Ian, Bryan, Taylor, James, Hollins, DeFreitas, Cailie, Alex, Marcus, Jackie, and Brandon.
I love you all, thank you for your support. (also somebody tell Brandon what I'm doing, cause I'm 90% sure that he doesn't know)

With Love And Squalor,
Kevin

Life As A Pigeon.

Update:

I'm starving.
I haven't had any sustenance, (by my own choice I might add) other than cafe lattes, coca cola, and the occasional piece of candy for two days.
But, i'm genuinely happy with my life. (Kevin - 1 / Kevin's Stomach - 0)
Tomorrow I'll talk about the thoughts that i've been mulling over for the last day and a half in much more detail.
Other than that I just need to find a way to shower and to eat.
Which, in all actuality shouldn't be too hard.

Passing out now.

Oh, if you're my friend and you're reading this, thanks for caring,
I love you all.

With Love And Squalor,
 Kevin.


P.S. the exit signs make everything red tinted, so basically i'm in hell.
I could probably make up some halfway decent symbolism for exit signs and hell and blah blah blah, but i'm tired, forgive me for not feeling like it.

Midnight Project.

I just thought of probably the best idea that I have ever thought of.
It's going to take me all night, maybe even longer.
But I have something to focus on now,
And I think that will help me get through these nights alone.

Be prepared to be amazed.

With Love And Squalor,
 Kevin