I Couldn't Face A Life Without Your Life.

i feel trapped.
i can't stand this.
i need you.
i want you.
i love you....

"Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again"

i'm terrible.
i want to push her away.
just so i can be numb again.
just so i can give up on everything again.
like freshmen year.
back when not even kyle could snap me out of myself.
and everyone accepted the fact that i was gonna kill myself.
i want to give up but i can't.
because i love her to much.
i don't even deserve her if i feel this way.
it's not fair to her at all.

"So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care. I can�t destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you.
My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know "

and i know you care.
but you never used to fight for my friendship.
i don't know if you ever will.
i wish you would.
but i don't know...

"I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn�t face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart� when you refused to fight"

i know you can't love me.
you say you can't love.
that your heart is dead.
but i don't think thats true.
why won't you try!
damnit i just need you to try...
:'(
your my best friend.
your the only one i would ever suffer this much for.
i know im not the best.
but we're all we've got.
but i'm losing hope....

"So save your breath, I will not hear. I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint
My own was banished long ago / It took the Death of Hope to let you go "

giving up seems second nature to me now...
but i can't give up yet...
but i don't get a choice if you won't ever try.
cause then theres nothing to give up on...
i don't know....
i can't stand this thinking anymore.
relapsing.
i can't stand this cycle.
cycle.
cycle.

"So Break Yourself Against My Stones
And Spit Your Pity In My Soul
You Never Needed Any Help
You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself
And I Won't Listen To Your Shame
You Ran Away - You're All The Same
Angels Lie To Keep Control.
My Love Was Punished Long Ago
If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know
If you still care, don't ever let me know."

...your the only one who can break this cycle.

The Virus Of Life.

i love how everyone has problems.
and then they hide them.
cause they think it really matters if your hiding it or not.
because no matter what.
it's still a problem until it's resolved

"your relaxed, your sublime, your amazing
you don't even know the danger your facing"

but i don't know
i like my life chaotic.
and i love my explanation to Ian about why i don't cut anymore.
:p
i don't cut anymore because i mearly find it convienent not to xD
hell i'd love to drag some form of sharp object down my body.
but then people are like WAHHHHH
you can't do that.
and i'm just like ugh why?
and it's just convienent not to
xD

that paragraph made me seem INSANE.
I'm not gonna lie.
oh well

"this is the virus, the virus of life
this is inside us, the crisis, the knife"

: )

but oh well.
hopefully Hell Night will be fun.
i'll find something to do.
and Halloween should be entertaining also!
MUAHAHAHAHA.

"i wanna touch your face/i wanna touch your soul
i wanna wear your face/i wanna burn your soul"

lol i love creepy fucking lyrics:)

and idk my life is chill so i'm good.
the end!

"watching - bring me to my knees
waiting - i am your disease
lover - set my symptom free
covered - you won't feel a thing
you can't stop me"

Snuff.

ich liebe dich.
immer.

and i'll just shrug it off.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT I LIKE TO SCARE LITTLE CHILDREN ON HALLOWEEN!!!"
i love not making sense just to avoid whatever the hell i was talking about in the beginning.
like.
why do i need to explain myself:)
it's not needed.
lol
let people make assumptionsssss
i'll be direct if i need to.
other then that.
I LOVE CIRCLES:)
because they go round and round.
and i hate being trapped in a circular loop.
but i like forcing circles in converstations?
im weird
but it's cool cause i have a....
VOICE OF VIOLENCE!!!
don't even fucking ask me what the hell is up cause im more polar then earth.
that didnt even make complete sense
but since when did i need to.
SINCE I NEED TO COMMUNICATE???
fuck thattt motherfuckerssss
the only thing i need to communicate with is my body. ;D

TODAY!
HUGO WAS LIKE YOUR OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!!
and i was like... ya.
AND THEN I JUMPPED ON THE TABLE!
cause i'm that cool.
and kyle started talking like a recovering cocaine addict in a documentry.
it was SCARY 0.o
anywayyyyy
"MY COCK IS MUCH BIGGER THEN YOURS!!!"
i apologize it just came on.
but Violent Pornography is so much better.
and whatever year this album came out.
it's offic The Best Album Of That Year.
anyway.

1 MONTH!
TIL I GET MY MARCUS BACK :D
it's exciting!
i miss him so much! lol
no one else has an amazing sarcastic witty intelligent personality :p

so lastly idk?
alexandra is starting to get better finally:)
i'm happy about that.
um everyone else?
i kind of wish i could fade away....
cause i dont want to hang out with anyone right now.
and i wish i could stay this way...
idk..

everyone wants to me to apply myself in some way.
why can't i waste away?
why do i have to do what they want.
whatever.

"i never meant to hurt you"

The Pros And Cons Of Breathing

"i want to hate you half as much as i hate myyyy self!"
:)
i love my friends.
and i really don't care
i love you all the same if your sad or happy or mad or whateverrrr
cause your still you people lol?
IDK!
xD
but anywayyyy
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
lol:)
but i don't care?
it's cool.
muahahahahah.
my friends need lives.
and those who have lives.
need to learn to let go of there lives.
cause whats the point of having a life?
but also whats the point of not having a life?
I REALLY LIKE THESE LINES CAUSE THEY SLANT
DOWNWARDSSSSSSS AND TO THE RIGHTTTTTTTT XD

BTW
this is me hyper.
and i'm glad i have my best friend Coke Cola back.
it's good:)

ANYWAY.
ummm i need someone to write about.
cause why blog unless theres misery???
lol jkkkkk :P
um
ALEXANDRA FAYE ORSINO!!!!!
I HOPE YOU GET BETTER SOON!!!!
please and thank you.
it'd would not be cool if it was the mexican's fault you died.
cause then i'd have a grudge against Chris.
oh wellll
but seriously
I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE.
the end.
cause that would suck.
alot.
i mean.
your like.
my superbestfriend.
BOOM.
idk?

i've lost all train of thought!!!
i think going BOOM does that to me.
wait what?

idk what's going
BOOM
wahooooo
YOSHI IS MY HERO.
AND THIS IS THE BEST BLOG OF MY LIFE!!!!
jk. it's the most pointless.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL EVERYONE!!!!
I REALLY REALLY WANT TO..... BOOM!!!
what? idk?
ok cool.
alright how much more pointlessness can i right.
I LOVE PETE WENTZ.
mhm.
i respect him as a musician who has excelled in a career
that i want to be a part of.
AND.
he's excelled with the same issue i have:)
sooo it makes me happy and gives me hope.
ANYWAY!!!!!

Dj POLAR
OUT!!

"i wish i was as invisible as you make me feel"

lol i love how i was the only exception in Nate's thinking xD

BTW.
Nate Cunha is my new favorite person to discuss philosophy with :)
lol this converstaion is the best i've had in awhile.
and it's been going on for like 2 hours or more xD

starting with why people should feel pain
and it went off from there into like 5 different things.
and now we're on logic.
which i believe is illogical to begin with.
and then back to feelings and pain.
and now we are talking about me being bi-polar?
and about how it's formed my Nihilistic views
and my full belief in chaos.
the we just talked about how we had fun talking to each other
and then what started my warped thinking.
and he told me thats the exception he was talking about xD
which is kind of bad i guess?
but i don't mind being the exception:)
lol

Me, Nate, And Kyle should all get together one day and talk lol:)

anyway i'm going upstairs to wait for Ian.
i'm happy i got to talk to Nate as it was really interesting.
but now i'm gone:)

I Must Say I Love This Girl.

that made me happy:)
this whole conversation made me happy.

"i can't tell you"
"what the hell >.< what is this"
":)"
"not cool, you've got something planned and i'm in the dark, not cool"
" think it's pretty fun lol"
"of course you do, your the one who knows what's happening >.<"
":) you loveee me"
"now your just not being fair darling :p"
"lol i don't like playing by the rules"
"i can see that, i think i'm gonna eat you :D"
"with ketchup?, lol"
"lol i think you'd taste better with whipped cream XD"
"oh baby lol"

i don't even knowww.
but we were both happy.
THAT does not happen alot.
we both made each other happy.
that alone is a step forward for both of us :)

idkkkk

i can't stress it enough.
i live my life for January 13th
<3

Liberate My Madness.

I. DID. NOT. NEED. THAT.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO SEE YOU?!?!
Fuck.
one of the two people i never wanted to meet again.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
ughhh your the one who i can't be pissed at.
BUT YOUR BROTHER.
is the one i hate.
i hope i never see him.
cause honestly i don't know what i'd do....
i saw you.
and that was enough.
if i saw him.
i think i'd kill him.

"I can't be a part of a system such as this
Hard eyes - Glow right - In my - Darkness - Again
With the sickness, rengade blisters, sisters,
Salivate, litigate, liberate, madness, sadness
Fuck this - How long have I had this?
I don't need this - Outta my business Insert, engage betrayed, my God
Fraud

Liberate - My madness
(One of me, all of you)
Liberate - My madness I just want to... "

hope.

so that just made my life.
mad world just came on some drama show my mother had on.
it made me happy:)

anyway.
i've decided.
when i was the saddest i've been in awhile.
and frustrated.
with all my childish fears.
like always.
i decided that i'm not gonna give up hope.
as long as my heart keeps beating.
i'll do anything.
anything except give up on you.
thats how it's been.
i won't stop.

"That I would do anything for love
And you know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for love
And there'll never be no turning back
But I'll never do it better than I do it with you"

I'm Poisoned Without A Way Of Knowing It

i really just don't know anymore.
i hate to be loved.
i can't express happiness when someone says anything along those lines.
i love to be hated.
it's true but its also not true.
i don't understand my fucking stance on anything anymore.
really i think i can just pass by anything with a "whatever"
and truely not ever care about what i'm missing.
and i don't have a problem with sleeping life away.
i wake up feeling miserable.
so i just sleep to stop that feeling.
i think that makes me weak.
i think i am really weak.
just no one notices that.
they all just think "oh Kevin, will be okay"
or something stupid like that.
i don't really think i'll ever be okay.
but maybe i don't really even know how i am.
or who i am.
or whatever the fuck exists where i am supposed to exist.
whatever fuck it.
i cease to care.
whatever.
i never truely cared anyway.
or maybe im just lying to myself.
i love how i never know what i really mean.
and i just attach a meaning to what i do afterwards.
i think that defines me more then anything.
cause i never give a fuck about the ending.
i let chaos take a hold of me.
and follow it til the end.

"Pain is the only thing I feel
Scars all I see"

I Bless The Rains Down In Africa

haha
caffine made me feel better:)
its a good thing.
without it i'd be all zombie like.
BUT anyway:)
things are okay and good:p
i guess i just miss her alot so i'm all emotional and irritable.
not that i'm not emotional already
i'm just more irritable then i usually am.
so thats about it.
other then that
people mostly aren't having an issue with me
which is good i guess.
but people are also telling me im something greater then i know i am.
which annoys me.
but oh well.
i sound like one of those kids who doesn't have any "real" problems and complains about stupid things.
but idk real problems dont bother me.
the idiotic things do.
sooo i don't know?

BOOM!
just realized this title actually has something to do with the post.
lol figure it out.
now im gonna go be hyper and do something fun:)

"it's gonna take alot to drag me away from you"

Here We Go Again Motherf**ker

People Are Boring
no matter what anyone does.
everything just ends with boredom.
and everyone just tries to cover up that boredom by occupying themselves with things that just cause problems.
so,
People Are Also "The Problem".
in otherwords People = Shit.
i don't really care if thats copied it's true.
and in the end
People's Problems Create More Problems.
it's the lamest fucking cycle in the world.
and those who Solve The Problems.
just create more and more BOREDOM.
and thus.
humanity causes it's own destruction.
and everyone is a blight on somebody else.

that's how i feel right now.
i need to break this stupid cycle.
because it's pointless and driving me insane.

"They never told me the failure I was meant to be
Overdo it - don't tell me you blew it
Stop your bitchin' and fight your way through it
I'M - NOT - LIKE - YOU - I - JUST - FUCK - UP"

My Heart Rips Me Right Open.

so tired.
it's not even funny.
physically and emotionally.
that fact that everytime i try to sleep my spine starts to commit suicide doesn't help at all...

but anyway i really just don't know.
life sucks but its nothing to complain about.
cause its all my fault really.
my heart attaching to so many hearts just as fragile.
and my head hating to get involved.
social suicide is all i know.
even though its harder then it looks.
because everyone has to heal the cuts my words leave behind.
people don't make sense.
but oh well.

lastly i feel as though im losing the people who mean the most.
it's just something i don't need to go though again.
i gotta work on that.
other then that.
i've already given up trying.

"will you pause?
and break my heart..."

hmmmm well i guess.

i guess i'm making a new blog.
sigh.
people and their not using myspace.
oh well.
so here we gooo.
not really
cause i'm to lazy to actually write anything right now.
and the red head is coming over.
so i'll end.

i know what i'll do to get back in you arms.
but for now i can't find my way home
<3