One Last Thing,

I just reread my entire blog, and I am officially dizzy.
If anyone wants to know how crazy I used to be, please read the old posts of this blog.
you have been warned.

Also I would love to of been someone else, perceiving how much that I've changed over the years.
Cause I am no where near the person I used to be.

more on that later, when I actually feel like analyzing my life and who I used to be.

With Love And Squalor,
 Kevin

A Letter To Friends At The End Of Day 1.

Day 1 of my retreat from life is nearing it's end.

I'm falling in love with this idea more and more as the day goes on.

I don't feel surrounded, I feel like I have space, It feels so freaking nice not to be constantly around people.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love them immensely. My friends are my light when things get dark, but at this very moment, I just need to figure things out for myself.

But here's a message to each of my friends who tried to contact me today.

Ian, 

 Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me that you believe in me and trust me to get through this.

Chris,
 I am sorry, I am deeply deeply sorry that I missed Once Upon A Time tonight, I've been looking forward to it all week, but I'm just in a weird place right now, i'll make it up to you as soon as I get back to normal, and I promise that i'll will be there every single episode after that one. I hope you understand. Love you.

Brian,
 I'm not sure how long this will take, but I definitely think it will be awhile, but the end of this week seems like a good estimate, sorry for just kind of disappearing on you. You've been a really great friend lately and I appreciate it.

For my other friends who will inevitably see this.

Taylor,
 I'm sorry that we never got to our Yugioh marathon, when i'm back from this exodus or whatever I promise will begin that journey together.

I doubt Kyle and Brandon will see this but I just wanted to let them know that I love them and will return shortly.

also, Jacqueline,

 Thank you for having faith in me.

and with that I end my night.
Goodnight friends.

oh. and here's this song that is on repeat.

Listen to it, unless you're Jackie, cause it's on your mix and you're not allowed to listen to it out of order.

With Love And Squalor,

 Kevin.

Metamorphosis

That's what i'm hoping will come of this.

I fucked up in more ways than one, by this point it's a recurring theme in my life. I make everything good in my life come with a price of misery, it's just how it always turns out.

I'm dropping out of my social life and more importantly my life at home.
Because that, is something that I can absolutely not deal with right now.
I just need time to think, that's really it.
I need time away from my roommates; from Alex and his insanity, and from Cailie as well.
Not because I don't love them, I just can't look/think of Cailie without feeling like the biggest fuck up in the world right now. And Alex with his constant "I know what's best for you." attitude.
I just can't deal with any of that right now.

I need time away from Jacqueline and my feelings for her.

I need time away from my friends, from the people who help me get through life.
This is something I need to get through myself.

I wish that I could just drive away and leave with someone, anyone, but doesn't everyone want that at some point in their life? but, I don't have that person, and I don't think I'd be able to go through with it anyway.

Manchester is my home and I am here.

But isn't this still running away?
yeah I guess it is, but there's no other way I can deal with this right now.
I will attempt to work everything out in my head, but I can't face anyone right now.
I really can't.

But trust me, even through the mental torture that I'm going to be putting myself through,
I will be okay.

With Love And Squalor,
 Kevin