sleep

I've slept so many days away waiting for nothing.

College Could Care-less

so I failed one class.
might as well do all my work for the others than.

Foreign Feelings.

I think,
i'm going to focus on music.
because I know I can do it.
and I enjoy it.

I have confidence.

Kevin.

"Max dropped out of college, he likes to say he finished"


seems like what might happen to me.

failings.

I have the strangest way of dealing with being overwhelmed with tons of work,
I dont do any of it.

young and alone

Sadness washed over me as I realized.
There's no one to talk to.

blogs.

i'm starting a new blog,
solely for the purpose of logging memories of the past.
maybe,
it's because in recording memories,
I hope i'll finally be able to look towards the future.
cliché.

or maybe,
that's not it at all.

P.S (literally)
here it is
http://movingforwardbylookingback.blogspot.com/

Life.

I think,
 I need to face the real world,
  Before I can get the most out of what i'm doing.

Shiver And Shake.

I don't love you,
because I can't love myself.

Comfortable Unstable.

I think,
the way that I love and hate everything equally,
is explained by a single situation.
the situation where i'm all alone and depressed at night,
it's not that I need someone to be with,
but I need someone to be near.

I love everyone for existing,
but hate them for interacting with me.

but yet again,
it's only when i'm in that mood,
you know the one.

as I sit here in the freezing cold, I keep imagining what it would be like to fall into the river.

Secrets.

in a notebook I was never supposed to read, I read "I hate all my best friends"
now, years later
that couldn't be more true.

Soul Search

I don't think i'm on the right path,
I need to figure out what the right path is.

somethings never change.

can't focus...
on anything.

school,
seems so pointless.

fuck. you.

operation kick Jason the fuck out of my house begins.

blog to blog

I hate being the only person who reads other peoples blogs.
because they'll specifically tailor the blog with that in mind.
so I either get mention specifically and talked to, or I don't get mentioned at all,
it just slightly annoys me.

the dreamy waltz.

i sleep all weekend, then never sleep during the week.
there has to be more to life than this.

Nine

I feel as stuff is different between us. and I feel as though it is my fault.
so I'm going to give you space.

Maybe one day our scars will align.

Just Let Me Go, Go.

sometimes, I just want to leave everything and everyone behind.

dreams.

i couldn't count how many times i've dreamt of you.

E.A.S.

I know exactly where i'm heading.
and I don't want to end up there.
but at the same time, it's the only thing i've ever wanted.
it's going to be one hell of time.

the long forgotten sadness.

it's sickening how much i want to hold you.

Silence

you drive me crazy.

Scary Monsters.

there's a sadness in me that only I can see.

Winter.

it's so very very cold outside right now, but I can't wait for it to get colder, despite how cold I am right now, i'll feel at home again when the snow hits the ground.

on a sidetracked note, sometimes, out of the corner of my eyes, I can still see the spiders.
proof that i'll never be sane.

K.O

I only wish I didn't love you, so I wouldn't have to be your friend.

Politics and History.

 I just realized why I don't want to be a politics major, although politics are something i'm extremely interested in. I don't want to study them solely because people who study politics are just that, good at politics. Politicians shouldn't be political, they should especially in a democratic society, be the voice of the people. People don't want political backstabbing or personal interests, they want the politician to be their voice in the world most don't want to deal with. Studying politics and the ins and outs of how to be a politician is something that I feel leads almost directly to the corrupt higher ups we hear about today.

I want to study History, why? because History shows us what went wrong, and what went right. It gives us the tools to better ourself as a society. History is a warning to the future. To me at least, History is the most important subject that could be taught, it gives up something more than just the mechanics of Math, then the explanations of Science, and the eloquence of English. History gives us insight to every single event that is happening in the world. It's the subject of someone of those who want to help the world.

Meeting People.

i'm great at first glance, but deep down, I have hidden emotions set in place to keep you away.

"everything and everyone but you"

in a twist of events, I don't really care to see you again.

Competition.

It is sad to see someone lose even if the person you want to win, wins. Or maybe I'm just to empathetic to compete.

for anyone who wants to listen!

http://soundcloud.com/kevin-kelley

You Bring The Mic; I'll Bring The Mosh Pit.

my first college paper! it's a personal narrative, if you couldn't figure that out.

Kevin Kelley

Ms. Kramer

9/12/11

                                    You Bring The Mic; I’ll Bring The Mosh Pit

            The first chord strikes down like thunder, immediately bodies begin to swarm around me like moths to a flame. Overwhelmed by the intensity of the crowd I couldn’t stand my ground even for an instant. I reached out for my best friend Kyle as the sea of people engulfed him. I was alone among the many.

            The clock turns back several hours in my head. I was sitting in a practically deserted train with only Kyle as my company. This marked the first time we were ever left to fend for ourselves in the great city of Boston. It was certainly a giant step for two teenage boys.  We were excited beyond belief, this was our first time going to big rock concert, and we were able to enjoy it all by ourselves.

The resonance of the final chord in the song rings as I snap back into the crowd. The magnitude of what I was witnessing was unbelievable, hundreds of people in a chaotic motion that seemed to be not unlike the motions of a school of fish. The energy was enthralling; it was sublime, like a thousand pins and needles making me feel alive. Shoved to the side, I lost all sense of my poetic self. I fell into the chaotic routine that is a mosh pit, the constant act of pushing against every moving object that comes near you. I loved the freeing feeling, I felt alive, but it was without control, like I was the disembodied consciousness of myself.

Song after song I began to fall into the motions, it was like nothing else was happening in the world. I began to fell nonexistent, like the only things real in the world was the music, I was just one of the faceless people in the crowd, lost within ourselves. I tried to think of Kyle, also lost within the sea of people, I looked around to see if I could find him, to no avail. It was like he never truly existed at all.

Kyle seemed like a figment of my imagination, like I just created him as an excuse to exist beyond the constant motion of the mosh pit. In some ways, he was my only lifeline to reality, in other ways; he was the only thing keeping me from letting go of it. Just as I was going through what was probably the biggest existential crisis of my entire life, Anthony Raneri, the lead singer of the band we came to see chimes in between songs with a piece of advice, “I hope you all brought a buddy today to look after you! Do you still have your buddy?” It was like he was talking directly to me, and all I could manage was to whimper a small “no”. The profoundness of his statement hit me as my adolescent mind began to panic in search of my best friend. I began to shove my way through the crowd looking to and fro for any trace of Kyle, and that’s when I saw him, with his hipster styled sunglasses, self designed white T-shirt, and a look in his eyes that made him look more lost than a needle in a haystack.

“Kyle!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, hoping to be louder than music, a task that I soon realized was futile. Not ready to give up just yet, I started to fight against the crowd. Pushing against the faceless many with all my energy used up in the act of moshing. I was surviving with only my willpower to reach Kyle, my only lifeline, and my best friend.

The concert was nearly over by the time Kyle was in my reach, he notices me just as I begin to get close. It was a relief for me to finally reunite with my best friend and he seemed to share the same sentiment. Together at last we began to celebrate the ending of what was one of the most eventful and exciting days of our lives. From the last song to the encore I had my best friend with me and that’s all I really needed to have a great time. I guess, you could say that I learned what best friend really means to me.

Best Friends.

I feel sick as my heart gives out.
I don't want it to be this way.
Best friends use to mean so much more.

Will.

I look at the people around me as fate, and the paths in which we intersect as destiny, but I look at the path that I take as mine to shape, because in the end the only thing that can change the road that you travel is the will to change.

Alkaline Trio.

Was that the best concert I've ever been to? I might have to say it was.
It was all like this.

Matt was wearing the most amazing baby blue button down shirt with a mini tie. I almost touched him. they played a huge variety off of their eight album discology except I don't think they played anything off of This Addiction. "Nose Over Tail" was my personal favorite. (Matt opened it up by saying it was a song for all the lovers in the room) the mosh pits were insane. I broke up a fight. I lost my voice, got beer spilled all over me along with what seemed like gallons of sweat. I almost threw up but didn't. Dan played an acoustic version of "If you had a bad time" while Matt changed into a Marilyn Monroe tshirt. Then they played acoustic "we've had enough" "clavicle" "olde English 800" and ended with acoustic "Radio". They came back for an encore, played (as Matt put it) "my friend Boston" (instead of My Friend Peter) and ended it with "97"
It was phenomenal. Matt kept telling us how much he loved Boston as well as referencing how amazing "The Departed" and "The Town" were.

Other amazing songs they played were "Private Eye" "Mercy Me" "This Could Be Love". There were more but I can't remember them all!

Simply I had an amazing time.
I can't wait for another chance to see them! :)

Words

There aren't words to describe how happy I am.

Sister.

she's found me.
i'm dizzy.
happy.
nervous.
i can't think.
i don't know how to act.
what to say.
what to do.
i've stopped breathing.
as my world changes forever.

Wasteland.

There was a barren wasteland in my dream with a single road that streched into the distance leading up into the mountains. i walked forever on this road, and then at one point i decided to turn back. I sprinted back, running away from the mountains, then i woke up.
It leads to questions,
Would I have woken up if I reached the mountains?
What would I have found at the mountains?
Why did I turn back?
I don't know the answer to any of these.
But it makes a pretty solid metaphor for my life.

Everybody Makes Mistakes.

right?

Let's Kill Tonight

I wonder if I actually tried to die.

Jump.

Ill never become anything.
Especially when I can't even take the first leap.

Hello Again My Friend.

There are fractions of life that makes living seem difficult or just plain not worth it. Years of life can be like this, which is why I have come to an impasse. I want to leave, to get out of this place. But I full well know I can't just do that. I wouldn't survive, I couldn't survive, cause mainly part of me also wants to stay. I like it here. But do i like it here because its easy, or do I like it because I enjoy living here.......................(several thinking dots later) I think I like it because its easy. Because if I enjoyed it here I wouldn't be so annoyed all the time. I need a change, a change of people, a change of scenery, a change of life. But will I take action and try to seek out change? Probably and frustratingly not. why? Because simply I'm am immature 18 year old who doesn't know what he wants and my only solution to life is to avoid problems and run away. sigh.

On a super personal note. I might be meeting my father soon.
Dear unknown, but not for long.

Signing Off,
A Boy Brushed Red.
(yep. I'm that clever.)

Papers

will be the end of me.

there's enough babel in my head to fill buildings with stories but I can't organize anything or keep interest in anything to make it past a few pages.
This really bothers me. I have the potential, I know I do. I just can't access it. And its crippling to know you have the ability to do something but not being able to do it. And its these crippling shackles that cause me to go out of my mind.

Thoughts

The very thought of many things drive me insane.
I can't cope with thought.
That's my only problem

Things I Need To Do

1. straighten out my life.
2. rethink college.
3. follow a passion.
4. don't give up that passion.
5. find a job.
6. live.

Inspiration.

I can't work without inspiration.
I need something to inspire me.

Nightlife.

i wish that this city was alive at 2.a.m.

Story.

Your life is your own story.
What will you write in it?

Slowdown.

i want to write music you could die too.

Beatz.

All my best friends.
Have my back.
And i wouldn't have it any other way.

D.R.U.G.S.

i think.
that i have found a new favorite band.

"we all know we all know by now, that you're the only thing you talk about."
 
 So Fitting.

Kill The Lights

I'm afraid to be seen in the light.
I'm not safe there.

LIES.

NO ONE READS THIS ANYMORE.
but oh well.
i have written 3 papers today.
and i am done.
i pretty much hate my life right now.
because i completely wasted my day on papers that don't matter.
but who the hell cares.
i am going to sleep.
so fuck you. <3

Breathe In For Luck.

i like to think that i can be lucky.
because being lucky isn't arrogant.
so i feel like it takes the blame off of me.
because i know what it feels like to lose.
so whenever i win.
all i can think about is how someone else loss.
that's why i don't like competing.

also.
i love change.
but only when i initiate it.

No Phone.

part of me enjoys not being able to talk to anyone.
i don't have to be involved with them.
part of it is a relief.
like i'm less stressed out.
but also it's more stressed out.
because i'm alone.
and nothing good comes from that.

i don't think they understand.

when i say i wish i was sad forever.

I Remember

      I remember seeing the atom bombs fall. The horror of the war brought home to us in a 20 ton casket-making shell. It seemed so far away, but it was the closest thing to God i have ever laid eyes on. It's descent from the sky seemed to last in years, but really passed in seconds.
      I began to hate gravity with a passion. How could it let this happen? How could it allow millions of people to die? Grimacing with few seconds left i whispered, "Fuck gravity"... and in a flash, everything went black.
      I woke up in the middle of the street to thousands of screaming voices all saying the same thing, "How could this happen to us". Barely remembering what happened, I jumped to my feet, trying to evaluate the destruction left in the devils wake.
      New York City was gone, no longer could I see the city that touched the sky. Maybe that was their punishment, maybe they got to close to God... but in the end it didn't matter, New York had been destroyed, turned into a crater by the creation of mankind. It was difficult to imagine that this was our fault, that we created such a weapon. Taking one last glance at the crater left behind, i walked away.
      Then... i started to feel sick....

----------
yep, that's how i'm ending it for now.
deal with it.

I began to love your goodbyes
when you walked out that door.

Physics.

i'll be the one who defies gravity.

Say It All.

while my voice is dying
the revolution is on the edge of it's seat.

i feel like dying.

sick.
throwing up.
exhausted.
can't sleep.
i feel like dying.
hold me...

ence ence ence ence.

Strobe Light Dance Parties.
are the best parties.
hands down.

I had the best dream ever.
Sci-fi Adventure with Christopher Lambert.
Hell yes.

Save Face

If I were to die I'd like something out of my control to end my life.

Give Me Back My Sins.

i've lost something along the way.

Huh.

I wonder
If anyone has gotten aids from a razorblade....

"your stuck in my head like a pop song"
story of my life.

And if the world was ending.
I'd fall asleep

Pathetic

Some days. i wish i could get out of bed with a smile on my face.
Some days. i wish i could fall asleep with a smile on my face.
Some days. i wish i wouldn't lie around doing nothing.
Some days. i wish i had the energy to be productive.
Some days. i wish i could take care of myself.
Some days. i wish i wasn't always sad.
Other days. i give up.

For now. i'll just listen to "I Remember"
and think about everything.

"Feeling the past moving in
Letting a new day begin
Hold to the time that you know
You don't have to move on to let go

Add to the memory you keep
Remember when you fall asleep
Hold to the love that you know
You don't have to give up to let go

Remember turning on the the night
And moving through the morning light
Remember how it was with you
Remember how you pulled me through"

also.
i filled out an application.