Losing Grip

I think
One thing that people never realize
is that
I've always been suicidal
Since
I was like 4
I remember when I was really young
Putting a knife to my chest wanting to stab myself through my chest
And since idk when
I just stopped caring about myself
And that's what's getting back to me now
With my chronic back/shoulder pains
I never got any calcium cause I just didn't care to treat my body right
My teeth are begining to brittle away to
why?
Cause I drink to much acidic drinks and I hardly brush my teeth cause I just never cared.
What's gonna happen in 10 years?
I honestly don't know
What I do know
Is my shoulder will hurt
And my teeth will waste away
And I feel like I can't stop that
Better yet
Why should I?
Because it makes me think more about death and suicide that my body is also giving in?
I think
That was always the plan
To put my body into a state that I felt
And to force myself
To either
A. Persevere and get stronger
Or
B. Give up and die
And the sad thing is
I've been leaning towards B
I always have.
My only regret
Or perhaps my only thing
I'm thankful for
Is that
I'm needed for now
By those two girls in my life
Where I'm the only one
That's there for them
=/
Everyone else.
Can
Move
On