Remembering Sunday

"And even though she doesn't believe in love
He's determined to call her bluff"
:'( <3.

Christmas Might Be Decent This Year.

People are sad.
Everyone is fucked.
No one has any idea on what to do with there lives.
and all i have to say.
is

Let's Count Our Wins, Not Our Misses.
we shouldn't have to count everytime we've fucked up.
because in the end.
we are what we want to be.

i'm scared of betrayal.

it effects everything i do.
yet it's something that can't be seen.
im afraid to bring it up to my friends.
because no one will understand.
and those few who can.
won't talk about it.
or if they do.
its almost meaningless.
the boundrys of my life were forced upon me.
and its almost sad to know that i accept my place.
that i've swallowed all pride i ever had.
and accepted the fact that there is nothing i can do to break free.

lastly.

i had a huge slip up today.
i think im fine now.
or im just passing off as nothing.
but my mind just took hold of my heart and started racing.
without giving my heart time to feel.

Blood is seeping from my WOUNDS, Edging closer to my DOOM

and i just made a screamo rap from that.
i made my life.
anywho.

i love how this feels.
like i hate how i forgotten this.
the numbness.
and then the sharp feeling.
fading back to numbness
then lingering feeling.
its comfortinggg:)
mwar and it looks like kickass body art.
and im totally making it seem like its not a big deal
cause it ain't one.

umm
!
i feel guilty for not talking to you.
cause in reality your prolly as messed up as me.
and idk i feel like i should be nicer to you.
and attempt to talk to you instead of just reacting.
but idk.
i am a coward.
in the end i'll just run away.

last but not least.
like 8 people at my school think im gonna commit suicide at my school
and they're really nice to me.
and it makes me uncomfortable.
cause i dont know if they like me.
or if they just dont want me to die.
idk.
it's weird.
and i all has to do with the hair.
but whatev.
i accept it:)

I Am Cut

i feel so distant

yet so close.
to everyone.
like theres a thin wire connecting all of us.
but it was cut

ENCE ENCE! ENCE ENCE! ENCE ENCE!

180BPM
is where it's at.
little known.
is that techno (what people call techno cause theres like 2380284 subgenres technos just one of them.) is my favorite genre of music.
yet it's the one i listen to the least?
idk i just find it the purest form of music and creativity
just short of hitting random shit and calling it music.
which is music.
but ya.
but idk techno just makes me happy.
and it makes me move.
and it's perfect for manic me.
like idk
i just feel at home to the pounding bass.
and the fast drums.

i just love it:)
always have.
always will.

GOTTA FIND A WAY, FIND A WAY, WHEN I'M THERE, GOTTA FIND A WAY, A BETTER WAY, I'D BETTER WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

standing on the porch
i test the cold air
Territorial Pissings is on
right when it picks up i jump off my porch,
bolt down my allyway
continue running at warpspeed
get to 7/11 6 blocks away
before the song is over i go off to the side
vomit up whatever's left of my lungs
then walk into the store song ends grab two,
2 liters of coke
pay and leave
walk home.
i felt flipping amazing and the vomitting just made me feel more badass
anyway i am ready to chillll
lol
my body just took a beating.
but i feel so fucking amazing because of it.
mhm.
i'm dead.
but yet i'm so much more alive.

IIIIII Can't Kiss Molly's Lips.

well im not sure if i want tooo.
because well she's my cousin xD
anywayy
it's okay to find your cousins attractive right?
lololol
emily once asked me that.
and i said yes.
anywayy
the 1 or 2 people who know will be like "Kevinnnnn"
then sigh and shake there head.
lol cept
only 1 of them will read this and know what the fuck im talking aboutttt
anywayyyy
speaking of whichhh i need to chill with molly
i think i am doing this, this weekend with her and linds
tis fun?
hopefulllyyyy
anywayyyy
people are lame with the no blogging thing.
i think i might beat them up.
AND I HAVE THE BIGGEST FUCKING HEADACHE IN THE WORLD
its one of those i get when my eye starts pulseing and my head starts to feel like a hand grenade is going off every second.
and when i walk i almost collapse because of it.
anyyyway i can't thinkkk
nor can i see
O.o
wow i dont know
oh and my stummy has been killing itself lately.
and idk i am in no way healthy.
nor will i ever be.
hnmmm
maybe no school for me.
cause i think i need to do like 332432432 homework assignments for friday
but i might not do them anyway
i mean im failing like 3 or 4 classes.
so whatever.
im not going to be able to succeed (i killed the spelling on that i think) even if i try.
so like whatever.
im gonna fail first quarter.
get the living hell yelled at by mother.
and get fucked over
lose friend privledges including the band
possibly alot more shit taken away from me.
get called a failure.
and bleh.
whatever
be prepared to be depressed Kevin.
ok.

OH!
and im really proud of em for beating the shit out of that guy at school:)
for constantly making fun of her arm.
even though we prolly wont be able to hang out this weekend now.
but it's fine
i'm still very proud of her.

speaking of which.....
it scares me at the level she's been scarred.
cause i think it surpasses my scarring from the past.
cause i wouldnt be able to live through what she did.
it's just another thing to look up to her for...

i'm afraid, i'm afraid, afraid, GHOST!

i see you almost every day now.
and i can do it without panicing now.
it's good.
your from a part of my life i wish to forget
but your there.
and when you choose to interact with me.
i will react.
thats how it goes.

you frustrate me lately.
which is surprising.
because you never used to,
oh well.
grow up a bit
and accept the gift thats been given to you.
cause your pissing me off by doing what your doing.

anyway.
i can't wait to see em this weekend
if her mother will let her escapeee
which is actually likely.
:)
hopefullyyy
anyway.

as always
Nirvana's amazing.
3 Kurt Cobain posters up now.
and 1 Nirvana one.
they were amazing live
this DVD of them is amazing.
especially when they joke around.
and the ending is fucking epic.
anyway im gone.
peace.
i'm gonna write more songs.
while doing what?
listening to Nirvana obv.
good inspiration.
different style to try out.
lets see where my emotions go.
byes

"beat me out of me"

RAPE ME!

i love Nirvana.
i Love Kurt Cobain.
I LOVE HOW i read his suicide note. and was like FUCK
this is to relatable.
and then got all depressed.
it was interesting.
THEN i was like ian check it out.
but still.
as much as i love feeling and thinking the same way as a Dead Rockstar who committed suicide who was basically the leader to an entire generation.
it's FUCKING DEPRESSING.
but oh well.
i love him.
i love people in general.
its cool.